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DH
16-07-08, 06:31 PM
I like posting up these silly jokes and lists, but I'm worried that they could make the forum a bit messy, so I thought I'd set up one thread where I can post all the rubbish.

These will all be clean (IMO), and hopefully they'll make you smile. They make me smile anyway.

So without further ado, here's the first:

Men
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

just1moreperson
16-07-08, 06:35 PM
Lets hope your body heals quickly hey Dave, get you out n about :D bahahahaha.

DH
16-07-08, 06:36 PM
:tongue:


A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex! Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

myrna
16-07-08, 06:36 PM
You do make me laugh. Thank goodness for that on here. :smile::smile::smile:

This one's my fave: Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

DH
16-07-08, 06:38 PM
Myrna, if you're smiling you're more likely to get on your EB... :wink:

DH
17-07-08, 12:22 AM
Words of Wisdom

I am in shape.
Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer,
but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything
else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.

Practice safe eating-always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.

And attention:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing

DH
26-07-08, 04:36 PM
Women

1) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

2) I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

3) Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

4) The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust!"

5) In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

6) Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

7) What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

8) A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

9) Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

10) Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

11) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted." Next day he received one hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

12) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

13) First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

14) How do men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

15) Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

16) If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

17) Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

18) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying"

just1moreperson
26-07-08, 06:53 PM
Women! :rolleyes: typical as always.

DH
26-07-08, 07:03 PM
Women! :rolleyes: typical as always.
Yep. Number 5... oh yes.

And number 12 is true. Don't ask me how I know this. :redface:

Oh and Matt, top tip. When you're with a woman for a while and valentines day is coming up, if she says something along the lines of "let's not bother with valentines day this year. After all we've got each other and we know we love each other" DO NOT LISTEN TO HER!!
REGARDLESS of what she says, you MUST overdo it on valentines day!! Completely over the top is always the default position for valentines day!!

Again, can you hear the voice of experience coming through? :rolleyes:

South Coaster
26-07-08, 11:46 PM
H'okay....

One day Snow White bought a camera. She was so pleased with it She took photo after photo....

When the film ran out, She went to the film place and dropped it off for developing but when She went back to collect all the pictures, the clerk explained that the film had been lost

Snow White was so upset that She burst into floods and floods of tears :(

In an effort to console her the clerk in the store said "Don't worry Snow White" and started singing to her, "Soooooome day your prints will come" :D

*Is sorry* *Gets coat* *Calls for taxi*
:D

just1moreperson
27-07-08, 01:23 AM
Oh dear hahahaha :D

Nelly
29-07-08, 08:30 AM
:-) My contribution for the day ....

40 THINGS YOUíD LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:

1. I can see your point, but I still think youíre full of ****.
2. I donít know what your problem is, but Iíll bet itís hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see youíve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. Iím really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Iíll try being nicer if youíll try being smarter.
7. Iím out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I donít work here. Iím a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I canít understand a damn word youíre saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just donít give a damn.
14. Iím already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. Weíre all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesnít mean youíre an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. Iím not being rude. Youíre just insignificant.
21. Itís a thankless job, but Iíve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isnít an office. Itís Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Iím trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for whatís behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorderÖmy work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get itÖlike humorÖbut different.

DH
29-07-08, 12:50 PM
After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission on Human
Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage:

Click here (http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y50/DavidHale/Marriagesymbola.jpg)

Patrick
29-07-08, 01:09 PM
After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission on Human
Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage:

Click here (http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y50/DavidHale/Marriagesymbola.jpg)

Haha quality :smile:

myrna
29-07-08, 01:15 PM
Quite right too. About time. :wink:

poppysox
29-07-08, 01:56 PM
Very funny Nelly and DH

DH
29-07-08, 02:02 PM
Oh, and Nelly - I REALLY like number 39. :D

just1moreperson
29-07-08, 02:24 PM
I wouldn't advise doing number 39. It doesn't work out the way you might have thought.

DH
29-07-08, 02:28 PM
I wouldn't advise doing number 39. It doesn't work out the way you might have thought.
I really, REALLY hope that isn't the voice of experience! :eek:

katiepie
29-07-08, 02:29 PM
great thread guys, the snowwhite joke was bad but we loved it and I loved no.37. as well as the others;)

South Coaster
29-07-08, 03:17 PM
the snowwhite joke was bad but we loved it
Ithangyew :D
*Takes bow*

What's large, grey, wrinkled and wears a mask when singing ?
.
.
.
.
The Elephantom Of The Opera :D

katiepie
29-07-08, 03:25 PM
Keep trying SC.....:redface:

I can't pretend to be good at jokes so I shan't offer any here..

just1moreperson
29-07-08, 03:44 PM
Your almost there Pete :D

South Coaster
29-07-08, 08:58 PM
Hehehehehehehehehe
A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude. Eventially, the scientist got sick of his clone and pushed him over a cliff
The very next day he was arrested. The charge? "Making an obscene clone fall"
:D

http://www.longdog.karoo.net/smilies/jaw.gif

Brian2001
29-07-08, 09:10 PM
groaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn SC! that's badddd



Brian.

Patrick
29-07-08, 09:14 PM
Hehehehehehehehehe
A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude. Eventially, the scientist got sick of his clone and pushed him over a cliff
The very next day he was arrested. The charge? "Making an obscene clone fall"
:D

http://www.longdog.karoo.net/smilies/jaw.gif

:D
very good

South Coaster
29-07-08, 09:20 PM
groaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn SC! that's badddd
Brian.
:D
very good
See now :D on the basis of conflicting opinions I just have to go with the one that encourages me all the more :D

katiepie
29-07-08, 10:00 PM
That was terrible :rolleyes: but you got 2 chuckles one from me and another from Emily.

Got any more??:D

South Coaster
29-07-08, 10:03 PM
That was terrible :rolleyes: but you got 2 chuckles one from me and another from Emily.

Got any more??:D
I've started a separate thread so I don't hijack this one any more than I have already :D

myrna
29-07-08, 10:19 PM
I love naff jokes. We have a friend who's full of them & while everyones else groans 'here we go again...another naff joke', I share our friends silly sense of humour. Bless him.

Heres one.. Whats red & invisible?



No tomatoes!


I know. Totally stupid. But he makes me laugh. I'll see if I can remember some more. You'll love them too. :D

DH
29-07-08, 10:28 PM
I love naff jokes. We have a friend who's full of them & while everyones else groans 'here we go again...another naff joke', I share our friends silly sense of humour. Bless him.

Heres one.. Whats red & invisible?



No tomatoes!


I know. Totally stupid. But he makes me laugh. I'll see if I can remember some more. You'll love them too. :D
:D I love those sort of silly jokes!! Keep 'em coming!

DH
29-07-08, 11:41 PM
For those Born 1930-1979 .


TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

The school football team had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

I think we should all share this with our kids!!!!!

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Nelly
30-07-08, 08:36 AM
Morning all,

For those of you who like the naff jokes, here's one of my favourites ...and probably the only one I can ever remember off the top of my head ...

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts??

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Wi' jam in!!

katiepie
30-07-08, 09:39 AM
Hihihi

Thanks Nelly :D



DH it's too true, I managed to survive being fetched up in the 70's..... Happy memories I have too, going out making a den and not comming back home till I was hungry, infact we used to round up trolleys and get a few quid together and buy lunch.:eek:

millymolly
30-07-08, 10:29 AM
DH

That is just sooooo true. Reminds me of my childhood as well.
Thanks for the stickers by the way.
Cheers
MM

Brian2001
30-07-08, 10:38 AM
I was a kid in the 50's (no it wasn't all in black &white!) and tho' the list seems slightly Americanised, I can identify with the words and agree with the descriptions.

I remember, as a youngster, going to a fleapit cinema to see an X film about ghosts and being told to "sit down at the front and take your badges off" :rolleyes:

Later in life, as a 12year old :D, I remember that we used to get in to see cert 'A' films at a brand new cinema by standing out of site of the cash desk and asking total strangers to 'take you in', you gave them your money, they bought your ticket and once inside you sat away from them. - bit diff' these days eh? If a child falls you find yourself hesitating before helping... If a pensioner drops a money purse you wonder if they realise you are helping when picking up the contents...

I loved the 50's, enjoyed the 60's, lived thro the 70's, thrived and then struggled thro' the 80's, battled during the 90's and waved quite a few white flags in the new millen'm. I don't fancy seeing the next decade as too many things will have gone and the new replacements are bio/biod but carp.

If this generation can reinvent community spirit, of having your tea in your mates while watching the invisible man on a thing called TV, or getting on a bus with nearly all of your street and heading off to who knows where for the day... and playing with jumping beans on the window sill of the bus as you returned from the big day out ... , then they have turned society full circle but -Well done! bring back communities where people care!


- falls off soapbox, dust himself down and wonders if laptops have taken the place of corner shops and market places for 'keeping in touch'?

Brian.

myrna
30-07-08, 10:50 AM
Love the BM joke Nelly.

DH how true all of that is. Oh for the good old days again. :smile:

DH
30-07-08, 09:56 PM
I'll see if I can remember some more. You'll love them too. :D
Come on then! I love those ones!

DH
31-07-08, 01:42 PM
21) Experience is the name we all give to our mistakes.
Wow. Never realised I was quite so experienced. :rolleyes:

DH
02-08-08, 07:05 PM
RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number
of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all
as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

South Coaster
03-08-08, 04:35 PM
*Wants to invent a retrospectoscopeso I could have 20/20 hindsight* :D

DH
08-08-08, 06:49 PM
BBQ rules
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

DH
19-08-08, 05:52 PM
Questions questions questions...

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder.....

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? :rolleyes:

poppysox
20-08-08, 08:40 AM
Very good DH

myrna
20-08-08, 09:44 AM
Really laughing out loud. Good tonic!

lucyloo
20-08-08, 11:01 AM
Excellent DH!!:D

DH
25-08-08, 05:41 PM
English


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes. = No.

No. = Yes.

Maybe. = No.

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry...

We need. = I want.

It's your decision. = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want. = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk. = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead. = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset. = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly. = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic; turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new house. I want new curtains. = And carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?! = [Too late! You're dead!]


******************************************


MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry. = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy. = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired. = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense... let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?

I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let's have sex now!

I love you, too. = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Let's talk. = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy, then maybe sex?

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I'm gay.

Patrick
25-08-08, 06:29 PM
You missed the classic one under "Womens English"

I've got a headache = It aint happening tonight.. you've p!ssed me off today! :tongue:

DH
25-08-08, 09:50 PM
OOOps Pulled as I Modded myself lol
You remember my "edgy" thread? Well reposting your stuff counts as "edgy" :rolleyes: How soon before this gets modded? Remember folks, cut'n'paste is your friend :wink:

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:

> If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
> If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
> If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
> If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
> If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
> If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
> If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
> If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
> If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
> If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
> If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
> If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

DH
25-08-08, 10:02 PM
And DH. You are sooooo dangerous to know when you've got a few beers in ya!
Fixed to reflect reality....:rolleyes: