HD Dad, house move

[PlymouthE]

Hi all,

I've not joined before but I feel now that I could do with the help and support of a community who are familiar with the symptoms of HD. My dad was diagnosed maybe a year ago or so but we knew he had it before that, as both his mum and his brother had it and he was symptomatic for a long time. I found out in a particularly nasty way, from my mum who was confessing her affair to me at the time and using it as an excuse. I was asked to keep this affair secret from my dad for a year, unless it 'made me more ill' (I have a history of depression and anxiety). This all came out in the wash in the last two years and now they are separated, I have moved with my dad in order to help him set up his new house and because I'm not well enough to live on my own. I didn't want to live with my mum because we don't get on, she is quite toxic.

We moved about three weeks ago and are still sorting the house out but I'm finding it difficult to get on with my dad sometimes. I feel guilty because he's not really advanced- he is medically retired but he can care for himself. I would not consider myself a carer, though I help sometimes with things when I think he's having trouble. But we have arguments where anything I say will kick him off, he's on citalopram but hasn't had it in a week. I know that my anti-depressants need a raise because I'm irritable and I'm finding it difficult to get up in the mornings. I was quite happy working 5 days a week before and need to get back into that. I'm helping with putting pictures up today and we were doing that for about an hour and a half, he objected to me then spending 10 minutes reading my book and when he went out to get some picture fittings, we then had an argument because I said I wasn't going to clean the bathroom while he was out.

I am happy to help, but he doesn't seem to recognise that I have my own stuff to be getting on with during the day and not all spare time is to be directed by him. I want to live with him and to help but I want my own time during the day too, both breaks and time for applying for jobs/internships etc.
Am I being overdramatic?

[Spanishgraeme]

Originally Posted by PlymouthE

Hi all,

I've not joined before but I feel now that I could do with the help and support of a community who are familiar with the symptoms of HD. My dad was diagnosed maybe a year ago or so but we knew he had it before that, as both his mum and his brother had it and he was symptomatic for a long time. I found out in a particularly nasty way, from my mum who was confessing her affair to me at the time and using it as an excuse. I was asked to keep this affair secret from my dad for a year, unless it 'made me more ill' (I have a history of depression and anxiety). This all came out in the wash in the last two years and now they are separated, I have moved with my dad in order to help him set up his new house and because I'm not well enough to live on my own. I didn't want to live with my mum because we don't get on, she is quite toxic.

We moved about three weeks ago and are still sorting the house out but I'm finding it difficult to get on with my dad sometimes. I feel guilty because he's not really advanced- he is medically retired but he can care for himself. I would not consider myself a carer, though I help sometimes with things when I think he's having trouble. But we have arguments where anything I say will kick him off, he's on citalopram but hasn't had it in a week. I know that my anti-depressants need a raise because I'm irritable and I'm finding it difficult to get up in the mornings. I was quite happy working 5 days a week before and need to get back into that. I'm helping with putting pictures up today and we were doing that for about an hour and a half, he objected to me then spending 10 minutes reading my book and when he went out to get some picture fittings, we then had an argument because I said I wasn't going to clean the bathroom while he was out.

I am happy to help, but he doesn't seem to recognise that I have my own stuff to be getting on with during the day and not all spare time is to be directed by him. I want to live with him and to help but I want my own time during the day too, both breaks and time for applying for jobs/internships etc.
Am I being overdramatic?

Hi
It's very difficult to say what's normal or unusual during a house move.
It's very stressful and can lead to many arguments all by itself.
What I can say is Citilopram has to be removed gradually.
My wife has just changed to an alternative. She was on 30mg per day. The doctor recommended that for the first week of the changeover she should take 10mg, 2nd week 10mg every second day and then 3rd week nothing.

I'm not sure what effect suddenly stopping will have but I doubt it will be positive.

Hope that is of some help.

Good luck

[LECS]

Absolutely not. You are being perfectly reasonable. Unfortunately we have unrealistic demands. As soon as my dad looked like he was about to sit down or stop for a few seconds my HD mum would be verbalising her disgust and I’m afraid that I am the same, although I am aware and I do try not to but I find the words are often out before I can stop them. My HD mum had no filter and led my dad a merry dance for years. He did everything that she said, always, it was heartbreaking to watch. It’s why I live alone.

Sorry I didn’t welcome you to the board, welcome, although I am sad that you need to be here. Unfortunately if you are not well yourself you will find it much harder to cope with your dad. I do respond better to clear language, you could try “I am not feeling up to cleaning the bathroom as well as putting up the pictures so I will do the bathroom tomorrow” Don’t read until he knows the task is finished. Tell him after the task is finished you want to read your book. It might be helpful to draw up a list each day of expectations on both sides, my unrealistic demands are normally borne out of anxiety, not knowing what’s coming next. I don’t like others making assumptions, I like things discussed and prefer to know. It is really difficult. I know it’s hard to believe but I now can’t wait when crossing the road, I find it difficult to wait to allow a car and I am itching to walk across the road, I have become unsafe and so now I am accompanied but I always begin tugging at their sleeve and start walking on the spot if kept too long. It’s an compulsion that you just have to, I’m afraid. I know I shouldn’t want to do it, that it is not safe but I can’t help myself. Think of some things that your dad might like doing when you are occupied. Encourage him to do as much as he can with all the things that he can do and you concentrate on the things that he is unable to do. I’m sorry that you feel your mum is toxic because you will need as much support as you can in order to cope with supporting a dad with HD. I could write lots of suggestions but I’m not sure at what stage your dad is so I will leave it there. Keep using the board and talk to your dad about how you feel and seek support. Best wishes Lily.

[Rainbows1034]

Hi,

I really feel for you. My dad has HD too and my mom did not see it as her responsibility to care for him. This did not make sense to me, because I did not chose to have him as a dad, instead she chose him as a husband. They divorced before my dad was officially diagnosed, so there was no one to take care of my dad besides me and my siblings. Do you have siblings? An aunt or uncle? Grandparents? Lean on these people all you can.

I would also recommend trying to take up as many hobbies as you can. Perhaps some hobbies that you can do at home, while you are looking after your dad. Start a blog or instagram page. Knit. Read. Do yoga. Practice meditation. Learn a new language. Answer posts on here!

You have to remind yourself everyday that, most likely, how your dad acts is just the HD talking.

Good luck to you. I admire your courage and compassion.

Originally Posted by PlymouthE

Hi all,

I've not joined before but I feel now that I could do with the help and support of a community who are familiar with the symptoms of HD. My dad was diagnosed maybe a year ago or so but we knew he had it before that, as both his mum and his brother had it and he was symptomatic for a long time. I found out in a particularly nasty way, from my mum who was confessing her affair to me at the time and using it as an excuse. I was asked to keep this affair secret from my dad for a year, unless it 'made me more ill' (I have a history of depression and anxiety). This all came out in the wash in the last two years and now they are separated, I have moved with my dad in order to help him set up his new house and because I'm not well enough to live on my own. I didn't want to live with my mum because we don't get on, she is quite toxic.

We moved about three weeks ago and are still sorting the house out but I'm finding it difficult to get on with my dad sometimes. I feel guilty because he's not really advanced- he is medically retired but he can care for himself. I would not consider myself a carer, though I help sometimes with things when I think he's having trouble. But we have arguments where anything I say will kick him off, he's on citalopram but hasn't had it in a week. I know that my anti-depressants need a raise because I'm irritable and I'm finding it difficult to get up in the mornings. I was quite happy working 5 days a week before and need to get back into that. I'm helping with putting pictures up today and we were doing that for about an hour and a half, he objected to me then spending 10 minutes reading my book and when he went out to get some picture fittings, we then had an argument because I said I wasn't going to clean the bathroom while he was out.

I am happy to help, but he doesn't seem to recognise that I have my own stuff to be getting on with during the day and not all spare time is to be directed by him. I want to live with him and to help but I want my own time during the day too, both breaks and time for applying for jobs/internships etc.
Am I being overdramatic?

[Gabby]

Originally Posted by PlymouthE

Hi all,

I've not joined before but I feel now that I could do with the help and support of a community who are familiar with the symptoms of HD. My dad was diagnosed maybe a year ago or so but we knew he had it before that, as both his mum and his brother had it and he was symptomatic for a long time. I found out in a particularly nasty way, from my mum who was confessing her affair to me at the time and using it as an excuse. I was asked to keep this affair secret from my dad for a year, unless it 'made me more ill' (I have a history of depression and anxiety). This all came out in the wash in the last two years and now they are separated, I have moved with my dad in order to help him set up his new house and because I'm not well enough to live on my own. I didn't want to live with my mum because we don't get on, she is quite toxic.



We moved about three weeks ago and are still sorting the house out but I'm finding it difficult to get on with my dad sometimes. I feel guilty because he's not really advanced- he is medically retired but he can care for himself. I would not consider myself a carer, though I help sometimes with things when I think he's having trouble. But we have arguments where anything I say will kick him off, he's on citalopram but hasn't had it in a week. I know that my anti-depressants need a raise because I'm irritable and I'm finding it difficult to get up in the mornings. I was quite happy working 5 days a week before and need to get back into that. I'm helping with putting pictures up today and we were doing that for about an hour and a half, he objected to me then spending 10 minutes reading my book and when he went out to get some picture fittings, we then had an argument because I said I wasn't going to clean the bathroom while he was out.

I am happy to help, but he doesn't seem to recognise that I have my own stuff to be getting on with during the day and not all spare time is to be directed by him. I want to live with him and to help but I want my own time during the day too, both breaks and time for applying for jobs/internships etc.
Am I being overdramatic?

Its a hard time moving very stressful and will effect both of you .. upping your medication may help and your dad certainly needs to take his or have a review and maybe change them .. why has he not taken them for a week ?
Once you get house sorted and into some kind of routine it may improve , could you have a discussion with him when you are both
calm about what you need to be able to do and what he can do . So you both
know where you stand .
If hes in early stages you should still be able to have a life I work full time my husband has been retired due to symptoms for about 3/4 years he still manages most things for himself like you I don't consider myself a carer .
The book Hurry up and wait by Jimmy Pollard is helpful in understanding some of the issues that can occur not being able to wait for what they want but also having to wait for them to get motivated or think about things that you need want .

Hope things settle a bit

Gabby